


wherever i go

by hak22



Category: NCT (Band)
Genre: Acceptance, Aged-Up Character(s), Angst, Friendship, Happy Ending, Heavy Angst, Major character death - Freeform, Mentions of Suicide, depends on the POV, lapslock, their relationship is up to interpretation
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-11-13
Updated: 2020-11-13
Packaged: 2021-03-09 20:00:20
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,953
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27541963
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/hak22/pseuds/hak22
Summary: wherever donghyuck went, he found taeil
Relationships: Lee Donghyuck | Haechan & Moon Taeil, Lee Donghyuck | Haechan/Moon Taeil
Kudos: 20





	wherever i go

since donghyuck could remember, he had always been called haechan. it was a name he had come up for himself and he became so obsessed with the name that for the longest time he wouldn’t respond to anything but ‘haechan’. it was a name that made him feel good, a name that he thought was well suited for a kid like him. it meant ‘full sun’ and he wanted to be exactly like that, he wanted to give that energy off to people to help them smile and be happy. but for donghyuck, there was only one person who shone brighter than himself, even though he would never say that out loud, and that person was moon taeil. 

moon taeil shone brighter than all the stars in the sky combined, he shone brighter than the moon and the sun and donghyuck admired him for that. his smile could light up the room and his laugh could mend broken hearts. whenever taeil walked into the room, he could swear the world stopped for a second. people dropped what they were doing to appreciate the man who had just made himself known, his presence was no joke, people respected him for it. donghyuck always wished he could be like him. he wanted to be like the taeil who’s friendly nature was looked up to by many. he had asked him before but the elder only laughed and told him:

“it’s not something i asked for, haechan, it’s something that had just happened, it’ll come to you one day,”

in actual fact it had never come to him. it had been 5 years since they had that conversation and till this day donghyuck has no idea what the elder was talking about. eventually, he deduced it to the aura taeil has, it was due to his loveable character that people loved him so much. donghyuck couldn’t even blame them, even he had a hard time not loving taeil, it was something natural and he hoped that one day that would happen to him as well. 

donghyuck looked over to the clock on his bedside table and realised that it was already 8:24 in the morning, he had an important event to attend at 10:00 am and he was already late in getting ready. he knew that someone like taeil would wake up early. he was such a morning person. according to taeil, productivity was best in the morning. donghyuck never understood that. for him, he would rather sleep in, wake up late and then he could spend the rest of the day being productive (although he did always just end up playing games on his pc so maybe taeil was right). despite taeil only being 6 years older, it always seemed like he was wise for his age, it was as if he had lived many years on this earth and had familiarised himself with the way this world worked. donghyuck wished he could be like him, wise for his age as well and admired by many. he had asked him:

“how can you be so wise and yet so young? what’s your secret?” 

“what secret?” he said breathlessly, tired from laughing so hard, “there is no secret, when you’ve lived as many years on this earth as i have then you’ll realise, channie”

it had been 4 years since they had that conversation, donghyuck hadn’t lived the same number of years as taeil yet but he understood what the elder meant. some life experiences could not be taught, it couldn’t be bought either. he realised that the reason taeil had been so wise for his age was because all the things he had gone through, things that no child should ever have to go through on their own. donghyuck respected him for that, despite everything he had ever gone through, the smile on taeil’s face never dulled, it only got brighter. donghyuck learnt that from him. before he had met taeil, he would wallow in sadness as soon as something went wrong but it was taeil who taught him to get back up from the hurdles life sent his way. they were so valuable to him and he would take those lessons to his grave. 

donghyuck, realising he had wasted a lot of time already, quickly got out of bed and made his way past the second bedroom to the bathroom. it was quite small, but it had everything he needed, he stopped paying attention to that anyways. after brushing his teeth, he jumped into the shower. as he reached out to take the shampoo, he let out a small smile, it was the same brand that taeil had used. there was a point in his life, around 10 years ago, where he looked up to taeil a lot and he wanted to do everything like him. taeil was his favourite older friend, his only friend at that time, and he appreciated it more than anything. he became so infatuated with the idea of having someone like taeil by his side that he began dressing up like him. his mother called him weird and told him to stop but taeil, he encouraged the behaviour. never in his life did someone admire him so much to the point they wanted to look like him. he couldn’t lie, it was the best feeling in the world knowing someone actually liked him this much. 

taeil played into donghyuck’s little fantasy and told him, after relentless begging from the younger, the brand of hair products he used. according to donghyuck, his hair smelt better than a field of flowers and he always wanted to smell like that, apparently it was his lifelong dream, 15-year-old haechan spewed out anything he could to get what he wanted, taeil liked that side of him. 

and here he was, 10 years on, still using the same brand of shampoo. donghyuck could confidently say that there were other brands that were much better out there but for him, the shampoo taeil had given him years ago beat all those brands in a heartbeat. others could probably refute that statement with a strong argument but donghyuck would never listen to them, he was strong willed like that, something taeil always said he liked about him, how his ability to have such strong beliefs was something admirable. that made donghyuck proud, he was so thrilled knowing that he had something to offer the elder and it wasn’t the other way around. though, thinking about it now, he realises taeil played a huge part in him being so determined, he wondered if taeil knew that himself. 

donghyuck had spent too long in the shower already, it dawned upon him when he felt the change in the water temperature, suddenly the icy cold water came hurtling towards him and he had to step out of the way due to it being so unbearable. he let out a chuckle, he didn’t realise how much of his life was dominated by taeil, so much so that he couldn’t even do a simple task without interruptions. he dried himself off and put on the clothes he had prepared the night before. he was going to wear an all-black outfit but taeil always said how he liked colour on him, and he wasn’t going to go against the older’s wishes, especially when it was him, he was going to see. so, instead, he put on a half black half blue button up shirt with beige trousers and a necklace with a matching bracelet. it had been gifted to him by taeil and a day never went by where he didn’t wear it. when taeil had given it to him he wrote in a letter:

_“this has always been my favourite jewelry set, they make me feel so complete and i want you to have them, my haechan. i know you’ll take great care of them._

_now you can always have a part of me wherever you go._

_love,_

_your best friend in the whole world, taeil”_

donghyuck had cried when he first saw it. he was speechless. he had always seen taeil wear the same bracelet and frankly, he didn’t think taeil would ever take it off but there the gift was in his hands, not on taeil’s. it was as if he had been given a piece of the other’s heart, he knew what it meant to him and now he was in possession of it. it became donghyuck’s job and his aim to never let the bracelet feel lonely, he would love it the way he loved taeil. 

donghyuck went to the kitchen after getting dressed up. he looked around, trying to figure out what his breakfast should be and then eventually grabbed an apple and sat down at the dining table. sitting down in the same exact spot as always, he reminisced about old times. he had so many conversations here with taeil sitting opposite him. as he took a bite of his apple, he remembered how taeil always told him to cut the fruit first so he wouldn’t damage his teeth but donghyuck never listened and he still wasn’t listening now. he could remember the last conversation they had at this table before the older one left. it was about fear, donghyuck’s fears. he was scared of his future, scared because he didn’t know what to do with his life, of who to become, of how to make his parents proud. but it was taeil who had always been there for him, constantly reassuring him that it was okay, that he would eventually find his calling. now that donghyuck thinks about it, his fears seem nothing compared to what taeil was going through, but the older man had always put others before himself which was a blessing and a curse at the same time. he wished he realised that sooner. 

donghyuck finished his apple and threw it in the trash. as he walked past the other bedroom, he looked at the calendar pinned to the wall next to it. he had tried to avoid it; he didn’t want to accept it. in his mind, the more he avoided it the less real it was and for some time it had worked but he knew that avoidance was not going to solve anything, he needed to confront it. under today's date was the event donghyuck had to attend, in a black marker pen it read:

**TAEIL’S THREE YEAR DEATH ANNIVERSARY**

no matter how much he wished to deny the truth, donghyuck knew that taeil was dead. it had already been three years since he found his beloved older friend lifeless in their bathroom. he cried so much that day, shaking taeil, trying to wake him up. he begged and he begged, hoping for some sort of miracle, he even promised taeil that he would start doing all the washing up but alas, it never worked. he never woke up. 

donghyuck looked towards the door next to the calendar, it had musical notes all over it and a small quote written on it:

_the flower that blooms in adversity_

_is the rarest and most beautiful of all_

donghyuck had always thought it summed up everything taeil was and wanted to be in just two lines. after everything taeil had gone through, the hardships he was thrown like grenades in a war he got back up and conquered through it all. 

he took a deep breath, in and out, in and out, he repeated this a couple of times before putting his hand on the door handle. the last time he had gone into taeil’s room was three years ago, the only person who had been in there was the house cleaner but donghyuck could never get himself to go in there. it had too many memories, memories of the nights they spent in here laughing, they watched movies, gossiped and even dressed up in here. there was a point in time where donghyuck preferred taeil’s room over his own and so he would sleep in here every chance he got. every time donghyuck opened this door taeil would be waiting for him, to unwind and to talk about his day, to talk about how he had yet another fight with minhyung and taeil would never fail to give him a levelheaded answer. taeil would always be there, waiting behind this door. donghyuck knew that this was no longer the case, that when he opened this door, he wouldn’t be met with taeil’s smiling face. there would be nothing but memories of a life that was left behind. 

donghyuck closed his eyes, he imagined taeil telling him to just go for it and slowly opened the door before opening his eyes again. it looked exactly the same as it had done 3 years ago but the room no longer had the lingering smell of taeil that he was fond of, it smelled like an empty room. he did a quick scan of the room and not a lot had changed. he wondered if taeil had still been here would he want it to change? 

the younger boy put one foot past the threshold and then followed it with another before he was walking into the room. he looked at the framed pictures on the wall. most of them were of taeil and himself. there was one where they were in matching black suits at their mutual friend’s wedding, their arms around each other and they were laughing, it was clear that it was forced but it made him smile, nonetheless. there was another next to it, taken by taeil this time, their tongues sticking out, taeil’s one coloured green while donghyuck’s one was blue from the slushies they had earlier on in the day. he could remember how fun that was. but donghyuck’s favourite one was the one taken by one of their friends during a sleepover. taeil was wearing grey pyjamas while he was wearing blue checkered ones, he had his head on the elder’s chest, and his arms and legs were wrapped around the others body whilst taeil smiled at the camera. it was his favourite because taeil looked so happy in it, he had a genuine smile and not the fake one he had gotten used to seeing. he also loved the picture because it was the last one, they had ever taken together. donghyuck reached up and caressed the picture, he would forever treasure it. 

taeil’s room made him feel at peace, even after 3 years. it was knowing that this room was a place of comfort for him, where he had never felt judged, where he could say whatever he wanted to say and there would be someone there for him that gave him a sense of tranquility. it was the lingering presence of taeil that made him feel at home, that made him think that if there’s one person who could get through this then it had to be haechan. taeil had always made him feel like he could make it through anything and this time, it was no different. 

realising it was already 9:45, donghyuck rushed out of his flat and into his car. he stopped at taeil’s favourite flower shop on his way to pick up a bouquet of pink camellia, it seemed fitting to the moment. when he finally arrived at his destination, it was a little past 10 am but that was okay, the other probably didn’t mind. donghyuck got out of his car and made his way through the gated area, looking for a certain grey stone. 

there it was. the place he hadn’t been to since the funeral, the place he refused to come to no matter how much persuading his friends did. all these years he had lived aimlessly, and he didn’t want to face taeil like that. he didn’t want to show his face to taeil who had believed in him unconditionally for the fear that he had disappointed him. he sat down on the grassy area near the gravestone, he couldn’t care less if he stained his beige trousers, it was the least of his worries right now. donghyuck looked at taeil’s gravestone for the first time and noticed it had the same quote on it as the one on his door:

_the flower that blooms in adversity_

_is the rarest and most beautiful of all_

taeil had always said how he wanted to be remembered in a good light. how he was able to overcome the difficulties in his life to become a better person and although he had lost his last battle with life, he would never be remembered for that. he would be remembered for the person who shone brighter than the stars combined, who shone brighter than the sun and the moon. the taeil who was admired for his bravery and courage by many, that's the taeil people would remember. the taeil who had been returned to the heavens. 

how could one simply forget moon taeil? donghyuck knew that he would never forget taeil. the lessons he had learnt from him, the wisdom he had received and the kindness that he took for granted, donghyuck would always remember that. it was taeil who taught him to persevere through the hard times, to get back up when life tried to pull him down, he taught him that it was okay to cry, it was okay to let your emotions out. taeil had had an immense influence in donghyuck’s life and that would live on forever. the memory of taeil would live on forever in the little things he did. 

“hi taeil, it's your donghyuck, it’s been a while hasn’t it?”

**Author's Note:**

> hi :) hope you enjoyed that !
> 
> i just want every single one of you to know that whatever battle you're facing, you'll never be alone. you may think that it's not worth it right now but i promise it will be, just hold on and the light at the end of the tunnel will reach you. 
> 
> press [here](https://www.suicidestop.com/call_a_hotline.html) for a list of suicide hotlines for your country. 
> 
> you can come talk to me or even shout at me on [my twitter](https://twitter.com/h4kric)
> 
> try your best today !
> 
> \- a


End file.
